There are times when we think we earn far below our proper wage grade.
There are times when we think our good looks are undervalued.
There are times when we think we are God’s gift to the world.
Then we view the image in the mirror, and once again, all becomes real.
And we are reminded that those who love us give us more value than we could deserve.
In mid-sleep, the thoughts come.
At 2:50 AM, the restless, sleep-grabbing thoughts are insoluble and germinate as quickly as the toxic toadstools growing in the gloom outside our window. We are reminded that we made a mistake. A big mistake. And at this time of night, any mistake will do. Make that plural. Mistakes.
We are beyond help. Solutions simply seem out of grasp. Our consciences are not feeling good right now. Guilt grips us. We screwed up.
The dizzying roller-coaster thoughts grow and intensify. There’s no way to get off.
The thoughts remain in the dark, haunting us like winged gargoyle carvings, and sleep escapes.
By 5 AM wakeup time, we are mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. The experience threatens to stay with us.
Reason returns by daylight, or at least it’s supposed to. But sometimes kindred crazy thoughts plague us again the next night. And the next night, and they seem just as real.
But we don’t deserve this. Although it all seems so real, this is not ultimate reality.
Ultimately reality is best viewed looking down, rather than from the bottom up. Cynical thoughts lose out to what the Almighty thinks of a life lived in his presence:
You are loved and cherished.
You have nothing to fear.
There is nothing you can do wrong.*
(A quote from a neuroscientist who returned to life after visiting heaven, his brain having ceased all cognizant functioning.)
At our favorite once-a-week local eatery (not the one pictured above), we are known as “The Couple.” We huddle down into familiar chairs and pretend to have never seen the menu before. After much unnecessary deliberation, we order the same thing we ordered last week, and the week before. No matter. We will analyze the meal as if it were a brand new experience.
The servers all know us by name, as we also know them by name. It’s our version of the TV show, Cheers. While we may remain lost in our own world of conversation, we are also welcomed to swap stories with them, earning a way into their lives. Nobody is trying to impress anybody. There is little groundbreaking about it. It’s a comfortable weekly tradition. That’s why it is so welcoming. As we leave, I wish a good evening to our fellow diner who always protects the same seat in the same corner so that he can read his books.
It’s a sharp contrast to listening to the speaker whom I recently heard. His message was advertised as an event that would change our lives. As he warmed us up to his polished discourse, he reminded us of his extensive education. All along the way of his crafted speech, he gradually led us further into his grasp, as “we”–those of us who were savvy enough to catch his clever quips–were gradually separated from “them”–the unlucky non-hipster dolts who didn’t get, or didn’t appreciate, the inside jokes and insinuations. Given time, we were all expected to be a part of the “in” crowd, affirming his perspectives and humor with our approving laughter. In time, we would all endorse him.
Winston Churchill could pull this off. But lesser talents should beware. The risk is being written off as an insincere huckster, peddling a self-aggrandizing bill of goods.
At the end of his delivery, I tried hard to recall the good points that the speaker made, but I labored to embrace them. The process was neither enjoyable nor affirming.
At the end of this travail, I looked forward to Friday night, and to the friendly faces of those who expect me not to validate them for their talents and insights, but instead welcome me as their friend and equal.
