The statistics following the 2010 U.S. Census are truly alarming. There is a sharp decline in the U.S. production of Prospective Husbands.
News of the decline in the current crop of Prospective Husbands caused the greatest trauma among single women. Upon hearing this dramatic news, the advocate group “Wimmin Who Ain’t Grinnin’” vowed to get to the bottom of the dilemma, launching an exacting study of the meager Prospective Husband crop. The following findings are the results of their exhaustive investigations:
- A significant number of Prospective Husbands have been discovered—weak, emaciated and nearly comatose–endlessly circling cities in mass-transit buses and subways while playing video games on portable electronic devices, zombie-like and apparently unaware of both passing time and of their surroundings.
- Entomologists hypothesize the viral popularity of young Justin Bieber may have spawned a widespread hormone imbalance such that Prospective Husbands are stuck in a larval state between childhood and manhood.
- Earth’s rising average temperature has reduced the willingness of Prospective Husbands to exercise, causing their already overextended waistlines to explode the elastic bands in their shorts and causing their once-comfortable belts to produce painful welts upon expanding bellies, driving Prospective Husbands into closets, far from potential physical contact with potential mates.
Therapists have suggested various treatments to combat this phenomenon, which scientists now call Husband Crop Decline. The most effective remedy appears to be widespread distribution of the most recent edition of the Peterson Field Guide to Humans, in which the social needs of the adult human female are described in detail.
A quick remedy for this dilemma is urgent. Sensing the decline of the Prospective Husband population, there have been multiple sightings of increasingly aggressive giant blue Smurfs, shopping for acceptable extra-large fashionable clothing to help them attract comely but lonely, disenfranchised human females.