crdahlberg

Home

I tried to be invisible as I scoped out the restaurant, a future rendezvous spot with our son’s family. But, as I scanned the menu and the ambiance, the six-foot three, early-30s host spotted me, blowing my cover.

“How many, please?”

“Uh, none. I’m just checking out your restaurant.”

The host’s grin commanded his entire face. I returned an uncomfortable smile.

“So, what do you do when you’re not here?” I vainly tried to normalize my peculiar behavior.

“I work a lot. Fifty hours a week or more.”

The sunlight illuminated his sturdy face, engaging countenance, and a brown mole on his right cheek. His slight accent suggested more of his story. I worked hard to pull it out of him.

Philip of Montenegro

Two years ago, he left his home in Montenegro, a thumbnail of a country carved from the former Yugoslavia. A lead for a restaurant job landed him here, on California’s central coast.

“Philip,” my restaurant host explained, “my name is Philip.”

“Oh, yes!” I exclaimed, concocting a vague geographic connection to his part of the world. “Like Philip of Macedonia, the father of Alexander the Great!”

“I don’t know about that,” he replied, evidently not an ardent fan of historical trivia. “I’m Philip of Montenegro, not Macedonia.”

Because Philip of Montenegro and his wife work hard to cover their nearly $3,000 monthly rent, they plan to migrate into the hotel industry and move to a less expensive area—Phoenix, perhaps. Within fifteen years, he plans to own his own home along with some investment property.

“And then I’ll retire,” he added confidently.

“Whoa!” I gasped, amazed at his tenacity and idealism. “To where?”

“Montenegro, my home!”

“And you know the language!” I gratuitously chimed in.

He grinned broadly.

What is Home?

When Philip of Montenegro eventually retreats to his homeland, he will surrender America and his green card. And leave this gorgeous place in California? I thought to myself.

Like homing pigeons, and like Philip of Montenegro, we can find our way home over vast distances. But when we return to a former home, we carry another sense—the memory of the way things used to be.

What exactly is what we call “home”?

Yes, home can be, usually is, a geographical location. But after returning, we note the growth of vegetation and the altered hues of paint. Despite those changes, is it really what it used to be? Yes, and no. What’s missing?

Forty years later, I returned to the home where I grew up. To my astonishment, the new owner recognized me staring from the street. He invited me inside, proud of the refinements he had made. Freshly installed wooden floors replaced the soft area rugs where we wrestled with Dad. A Pueblo-styled kiva fireplace replaced the cozy nook where I listened to children’s programs on the Grundig vacuum tube radio. The kitchen countertop where I kneaded Swedish rye bread with my mother had disappeared, leaving no hint of the baking bread’s aroma. Things that carried force were antiseptically cleaned away.

Why do we miss home?

What we call “home” is the people rather than the place. I don’t miss the Grundig radio, but I miss the radio stories as marinated in the aroma of Mother’s bread and the taste of her Swedish meatballs. I no longer recall the area rug’s pattern, but I miss Dad’s scratchy stubble and him pinching my belly as we brawled on that floor.

But, if home is the people rather than the place, what is left to us when those dear ones go away? What, then, will become of “home”?

We do not become homeless. Home is not a static place. We don’t return to a place on the map. Rather, our home is moveable. The players have moved on, but we now fill the roles. The same care and love that made home for us, we can now provide for others. Where we now welcome, where we now cook, where we now provide peace to a stranger—that is the place we now call home. We are the caretakers of the caring and cozy places where, years later, others will recall, “Remember who? Remember when?”

“Montenegro!” Philip declared, “is an absolutely beautiful place!”

I’m sure it is. And the comfort we give to those in our own homes also makes them beautiful places.

Who Does That Sort of Thing?

She had been lying in wait for me. Lurching from her seat half a train car away, an elderly woman flailed her arms to get my attention. This was not typical behavior in my adopted German homeland.

“Junger Mann, junger Mann, ich habe ein Geschenk für dich!” My brain’s translation center kicked into high gear—Young man, young man, I have a present for you. She waved an object above her silver hair. What? This woman had a gift for me, an eleven-year-old kid she doesn’t even know?

Trying to ignore her, I stared out the commuter train window. Then I heard her second summons. As I cautiously peered her way, she waved a brown leather satchel over her head. Pointing first to the satchel, then to me, back and forth in pantomime, her arms beckoned with the precision of a German cuckoo clock.

Working her way through the train car, she finally reached me, eager and wide-eyed, like a fish jerked from the water. In her hands was a brand-new old-school style backpack, hard leather with rounded ends.

Apparently, this was not the first time she had spotted me. As an American student living in Germany, my too-short Levis sprouted white socks and tennies. I carried my schoolbooks the American cool-kid way, the stack of books and notebooks braced on my left hip. Looseleaf papers belched from wounded binders. Respectful German children carried their schoolbooks in tidy backpacks worthy of teachers‘ inspections. Not me, a proud über-cool Amerikaner. It was hard to miss me.

She must have thought, Next time I see him, I’ll give him a new backpack…this impoverished junger Mann needs one!

Embarrassed by the kindness, I sputtered a weak “Vielen Dank,“ (“Thank you”) in rudimentary German. I exited the train one stop early, choosing to walk the rest of the way.

I can only guess how many train excursions she must have taken, each time carrying the backpack with her, hoping to spot me again. Selfless and caring toward someone she didn’t even know.

Perhaps she had been there all along. How long had she been waiting for me?

My brain fumbled. “Who does that sort of thing?”

How do you thank someone for a random act of compassion when she leaves no address, no phone number?

Our instincts for reciprocity urge us to repay acts of kindness. Or we may concoct a “pay it forward” plan.

But I learned three things about the spirit of generosity from my Commuter-Train-Riding Backpack-carrying friend. She caught something better, something higher:

1. Listen for the Whisper of Opportunity. After a mighty wind, an earthquake, and fire, God spoke to the prophet Elijah in a whisper. A micro-Voice, the Spirit, reaches into our souls. Like a pilot light, it is ever ready to ignite. A gentle sound or a fleeting image might grip our attention; we spot the need. Ignore lethargy and embarrassment. Respond; the wild and mysterious chase is on.

2. Wait for the Message. What is that gentle voice telling us to do? Follow its bread crumbs through the forest. How should we meet the need? Like the Nike basketball slogan, “Just do it.” Does the solution appear impractical, untimely, or awkward? Just do it. That courageous Backpack Lady on a mission “just did it.”

3. Resist Recognition. Afterwards—be unobtrusive, silent as slipping an overdue bill into a mail slot. Don’t talk about the secret mission. Just listen. The next whisper may already be on its way.

It has now been many decades since I encountered that lady on the train. Yet whenever I hear the clickity-clack of train tracks, I see a compassionate shotgun-riding, backpack-toting, silver-haired angel waving a book bag over her head.

And still I wonder, “Who does that sort of thing?” But then I face the real question: How can I be more like her?

Picture in a Frame

When my dad disappeared like a genie during a stroll, it was odd, a bit scary. Was it a seizure? Sudden Alzheimer’s onset? I fault doggie Schmutz for my own occasional erratic strolling habits, but this was different.

Dad’s uncommon behavior persisted. He appeared berserk, off the rails. Over time, I got used to Dad’s unprovoked rabbit trails, unanticipated pirouettes and time-out breaks. But it was still freaky.

During these impulses, Dad, a true artist, would place his hands directly in front of his face, then, with index fingers and thumbs extended and touching, he positioned them to create a little ad hoc “finger frame.” Eyes squinted and head cocked, the squared-off space between his fingers became his imaginary canvas. All distractions outside the frame simply fell away. Dad was framing beauty, creating his private miniature masterpiece.

Mona Lisa has displayed her inscrutable smile since 1503. We all admire Leonardo da Vinci’s extraordinary portrait. But no one mentions her frame, which has been replaced many times. One recent frame was discarded after insects were found living in it. Imagine vermin devouring Mona Lisa’s frame, her winsome smile transformed into a grimace.

Frames are often humble creations. They point toward something greater—the image itself. As they guide our attention toward the thing of value, frames seem to disappear.

We refer to the authors of the Declaration of Independence as its “framers.” They point to the “self-evident truths,” realities that preexisted the authors and endured beyond them. The authors were not the creators of the truths; they simply framed and enshrined them.

Editors work hard to frame an author’s work. They iron the text’s wrinkles and erase distracting rabbit trails. They tug at words and paragraphs until the work speaks, straight and clear.

In most homes, frames showcase pictures of beloved family and friends. Here, a cherished parent or grandparent. There, framed portraits of children and a dear companion. Faced with disaster, we would likely first grab these priceless mementoes.

Music also frames. It sails freely through time and dimensions. Music celebrates loved ones and consequential events. Like our lives, music has a beginning, a middle and an end, helping to frame significant episodes or emotions. One example is Rod Stewart’s rendition of “Picture in a Frame” (written by Kathleen Brennan and Tom Waits):

The sun come up, it was blue and gold
Ever since I put your picture in a frame

Now I come calling in my Sunday best
Ever since I put your picture in a frame

I’m gonna love you till the wheels come off
Ever since I put your picture in a frame

I love you, baby, and I always will
Ever since I put your picture in a frame

Like a picture and a frame, melody and lyrics reach deeply into our hearts.

A frame honors what we cherish.

It might be a refreshed appreciation of nature or a rare composition within the bead of an artist’s eye. What we frame might be an eternal truth, a story worth telling, or a rare and cherished love.

Imagine our lives as a series of pictures, still life tableaus of the people and events that have molded us into who we are becoming. One beside the other, they depict our life story, the joys, challenges, loves, and disappointments, scenes on display.

There, that portrait of our beloved companion—it needs a wide, generous frame.

Next—ah, that disappointment that we felt so deeply, and what we learned from it! For that, an elegant, but simple frame will do.

For the deep grooves left us by the loved ones gone astray, and the joy upon their return—give that frame deeply engraved contours, like the ones etched into our heart.

With the proper framing of a canvas, all else falls away.

The content of those tableaus does not always fall within our choosing. Still, we own the framing rights to them. What shall we choose?

What We Leave Behind

My curled fingers held one drinking glass and grasped the rim of another. The other hand clenched a used Kleenex tissue and half a dozen Lego bricks. As I left the living room, I placed the drinking glasses in the kitchen sink. Down the hall in my room, I tossed the Legos into their bin and flicked the sticky Kleenex into my bedroom trashcan.

In our house, we exited a room with religious fervor. My mother’s directive was clear: Never leave a room empty-handed. Her decree had sound roots. Hands, she believed, were God’s perfect tool. Their five-fingered design could manage a vast array of objects. As we devoted our hands in unity of purpose, our family could keep the house tidy.

If Mother suspected a protocol violation, her raised voice echoed, “Your hands aren’t empty, are they?” Alerted, I would lunge for a mislaid comic book or snatch an out-of-place plastic model airplane, jam them into my fists and announce, “Oh, no! My hands are full!” Disregarding the ordinance would earn a volley to “tidy up!”—not only the offending room, but the entire house.

Mom, the original efficiency expert, is gone. Her voice now directs angelic hosts in orderly discharge of their heavenly duties. Even today, upon leaving a room, those long-ago adolescent etched-in habits send my empty hands a-twitching—why are my hands empty?

Now, the prevailing winds of age have re-directed me. I’ve grown fond of a newer, contrarian urge. Instead of my take-it-with-me instincts, I now ask myself: “What can I leave behind?” Let me explain.

A squat, thickset man, stooped, chin implanted into his chest, shuffled into the jammed outpatient surgery waiting room. Each movement declared his obvious pain. The other patients in the room monitored him, hoping he would pass them by.

Groaning and perspiring, he paused, rotated like shawarma on a rotisserie, and lowered himself into the chair next to me. The cushion blurted a flatulent protest. Overflowing the chair, his left shoulder leaned into me, his arm draped across mine. Face down, his head rested upon his hands, which rested on his cane. He panted from the exertion of walking. Both his knees bore the heavy scars of replacement surgery. I felt trapped.

Too quickly contemplating how to break the uneasy silence, I blurted, “Hi, what are you here for?” Good grief! You don’t ask that of a man, hobbled with pain, in a medical waiting room! Just shut up!

Head still lowered and resting on his hands, he groaned, “I’m John. I have, um, degenerative disk disease. Terrible pain. Runs the whole length of my back.” He regained his breath and muttered, “Every day, I’m in agony. The pain never lets me go.” He seemed as relieved as I did at the broken silence. “What about you?” he asked, forgiving of my incursion.

Me? His response set me on my heels. I explained I was not a patient, but was here with my wife. We began comparing medical notes. Gradually, we shifted into another far smoother conversational gear. His face, now off his hands and cane, carried a smile. We shared a chuckle together, and then another. We teased. We taunted. We cajoled. Ignoring unease, we pushed back against our differences, away from our discomfort. We made room for one another.

Soon enough, a nurse whisked John down the hallway in a wheelchair. His empty chair’s vinyl seat cushion re-inflated. Mother would have been proud of his departure’s tidiness; nothing left behind.

Or was there, indeed, something he left behind?

After John left, a profound stillness followed. But in the stillness, there was no emptiness. Something different and fresh lingered—the gifts that John left behind. The gift of a welcoming spirit. A gift of grace. Unexpected joy.

And he left behind a question for me to consider. Which is more important—what we take away with us, or what we leave behind for others?

Little Slivers

An army of California freeway motorcyclists, the “lane splitters,” legally ride the no-man’s-land between lanes. When motorists encounter a Harley on the lane-that-is-no-lane, they may suffer violently erupting blood pressure and heartbeats outpacing those of a guinea pig.

A Harley can pump out 120 decibels, enough untamed quaking to redirect the veins in an eyeball. And the heart-stopping noise and sheer shock of an unexpected motorcyclist blasting on slivers of highway, mere inches away, can generate PTSD symptoms.

Tiny slivers can draw disproportionate attention. Take my left big toe. The toenail’s edge, a tiny sliver, grows crooked and inward. Only a sculptor could appreciate the nail’s insidious geometric angle. This minuscule anatomical anomaly, doubtless the vestige of an ancestor’s aberrant DNA, creates piercing pain. The throbbing torment rivals the earsplitting Harley gobbling up its sliver of freeway.

Other kinds of slivers carve consequential geopolitical landscapes. The city of Kaliningrad lies 412 miles westward from the rest of Russia, a vestige of World War II politics. It is an isolated political sliver encircled by other countries. The Suez Canal is another geographical sliver. That tiny navigable sliver eliminates long voyages around the Atlantic and Indian oceans. The canal reduces the journey by 5,500 nautical miles, or 220 fewer days at sea. The Panama Canal, another watery sliver, saves 8,000 nautical miles for ships sailing between the east and west coasts of the United States.

Our appreciation of, or annoyance at, slivers can play into our personal aspirations. We are hard-boiled in a pot of anti-sliver diatribe. To carve out a well-lived life, we are coached to create outsized achievements. Slivers be damned! We can become whatever we may dream, pole-vaulting over monstrous obstacles in our way. We measure our worth by powering our ambitions up the steepest inclines.

There must be a better way forward, a counterpunch to the gold-medal worthy mandates of a bigger, better, faster world. Have we overlooked the unnoticed, shadowed backwaters concealing Little Slivers of a different scale?

The July 19, 2024 issue of The New York Times carries an article about a tribe, the Maduro people, living deep in the vast expanse of the Amazon rain forest. This year, their tribal meetings would be held in a village 13 miles distant, beyond thick forest, logs, and streams. Attending the meeting would be a near-impossibility for the tribe’s oldest member. She had lost track of her age, but it’s somewhere between 106 and 120. Despite having never worn shoes, and refusing to do so, she vowed to make the trek.

We are brought low or grow tall depending on our navigation of the challenges in our path. Only the old woman’s son could create the way forward for her. Hoisting his mother up and onto his back, he fashioned a strip of fabric across his forehead for his mother to hang on to. Barefoot and dangling on his back like a baby opossum, the aged mother held on for the entire 13-mile trek. All the while, her son’s machete slashed and stabbed at the dense undergrowth, carving a Little Sliver, a way forward, a path of hope in the wilderness.

Little Slivers come in many wrappings. They may be a highway for audacious Harley motorcyclists. But when laid out upon the globe, Little Slivers can reshape a map. They can also create outsized consternation and suffering—the stabbing pain of a toenail or the anguish of a broken dream.

And there are the undervalued Little Slivers, the hopes like those within an aged woman. They remain unnoticed and little regarded except by another watchful, caring person. By lifting those precious slivers onto our backs and carrying them within our hearts, we may offer a hopeful way forward. When their sacrifice truly becomes ours—a lasting burden embedded within our own hearts—we may attain a new and hopeful Little Sliver for our own future.

Squirrel Lessons

Two screens in our living room provide us delightful entertainment. The screen named Samsung lets us peek into jarring world news, a Jeopardy battle of brains and memory, and monochromatic Godzilla reruns.

The other screen, a 72-inch-long window, provides a panoramic view across the top of our cedar fence. Our neighbor’s lemon, orange and grapefruit trees provide the backdrop for the furry actors who scutter along the top rail. Squirrels are always nervous: Run. Brake. Freeze. Quick, flick tail. Think. Think. Scratch parasites. Whoops. No time. Twitch. Ah, at that last twitch, squirrel number two enters from stage right; he is recognizable by his unkempt, thinning tail hair. Viewing from our living room, we erupt into cheers as the two-squirrel drama unfolds on the Great Cedar Fence Freeway. Will they fight? Will their hearts seize from fear over the snarls of the neighbor’s frenzied Belgian Malinois? Through the window, can they watch Godzilla playing on Samsung, or do they merely perceive their own reflections? Can our furry dramatists perceive us, gaping at them through the window? And I wonder…do they like us?

Last week’s squirrel encounter was far different. By counting the imagined rings around my belly as you would count the rings of a tree trunk, you would say I should have “aged out” of the population who tows a fiberglass trailer into the semi-wilderness. But we still enjoy camping, the fresher air, the reduced population density, even our aging, flimsy mattresses. They all speak of mutinous freedom.

Halfway through our camping stay, I peered into the recess of our on-board toilet to survey the contents—a management technique of critical importance to avoid dreadful toilet overflows during the black of night. So courageously, I drained a generous serving into our portable black water tank, then hoisted it ever so gently into our 4Runner. Without incident, I emptied the tank and returned to our site. While gingerly unloading the emptied tank from the car, a young voice demanded my attention.

“Hey, mister! Did you know you got a dead squirrel hangin’ off yer front axle?” Indeed, I did not. Eleven-year-old Weston, with a gene pool shared by Huck Finn and a minor league bat boy, introduced himself. Camping with his grandfather, he had spied the furry lump of a ground squirrel’s body waving like a furry flag. I crawling under to inspect the slain vermin, its body unmoving yet curiously unbloodied. It resembled a bat, upside-down, asleep in the wrong place. Not wanting to touch the nasty, disease-ridden carcass, I searched for a stick to poke it down.

Before I could don protective gloves, suitable eye protection and unpack infection-fighting iodine, Weston’s voice proclaimed, “Got it! Here you go!” he proclaimed, crawling out from under my car. “I heard it make a loud thump when you started your car.” Weston presented me with the squirrel carcass and we examined it together. It had been healthy, heavier than I expected, bearing a lovely pelt. Weston and I performed a quick coroner’s inspection and discovered it was a recent mother, adding more pain to the tragedy.

That evening, I approached the campfire that belonged to Weston and his grandfather to thank the boy, a ten-dollar bill in my fist. Weston’s grandfather sat alone, his grey, scraggly hair escaping beneath an antique wide-brimmed hat. He had the beard of an aged Confederate soldier. “My grandpa never did nothin’ fur me,” Grandfather explained to me. With spicy words, he described how he wasn’t going to do the same to his own grandson. “I can take him camping. I can teach him all the things my grandpa never taught me.” He punctuated the sentence with an accomplished spit. “That’s really the best we can do, ain’t it?” I assured him that, yes, that’s a great thing to do.

Just then, Weston exited their camper and approached the fire, myself, and his grandfather holding an empty Budweiser can.

“You did an awesome job helping me today,” I offered Weston. “You handled that like a real man. You came and told me about the squirrel. You didn’t have to do that. And then you crawled under my car to get the squirrel so that I didn’t have to. You really didn’t have to do that either. If I were your grandfather, I’d be proud of you. Here’s a bit of an offering to thank you,” I said, presenting him the ten-spot.

Weston’s eyes showed that he had rarely held that much money at one time. We shook hands. “Your grandfather is wanting to help make a good man out of you. And you know what? I’d say you’re already well on your way. No doubt about it. Oh yeah, you’re very well on your way!”

The List Makers

General George “Old Blood and Guts” Patton, the foulmouthed, super-egotistical, hyper-combustible hero of the Battle of the Bulge, had a problem. Yes, he had created the plan that could turn the battle, and ultimately World War II around in the Allies favor. But success depended on getting his Air Force off the ground. Day after day the weather had his planes socked in. At that moment, they weren’t going anywhere. But Patton had a secret weapon, which we now know as Patton’s Prayer, his wish list to the Almighty:

“All I’m asking for is four days of ‘clear weather.’ Consent to give me as Your gift four days of blue sky, so that my airplanes can take off, hunt, bomb, find their goals and annihilate them. Give me four days so that this mud can harden; allow my trucks to roll along and supply provisions and ammunition for my infantry which needs it urgently.”

As we now know, Patton’s wish list was fulfilled. The Battle of the Bulge was an Allied turning point in winning the war.

We are all list makers, though perhaps of a more modest nature than Patton’s ambitious, win-the-war prayer list. Who has not scribbled homework assignments or hastily jotted phone numbers on the back side of hands or along forearms, only to have that all-important number, the path to a possible love connection, dissolve beneath sweat and grime?

My seventh grade biology teacher began each class session slowly, thoughtfully, deliberately. His Louisiana drawl was so thick he chewed his words on their way out. He squeezed his words like the last thick goo from a rolled up toothpaste tube. “Oh, baah thu waay, did y’all remember to brang yur notebooooks?” Of course we all “brang” our notebooks. Since our teacher declined issuing textbooks for the entire year of biology class, we were obliged to take notes from his daily verbal recitations. Gradually, we filled our notebooks, our de facto textbooks, with these lessons. They contained the entire year’s syllabus, the interminable listing of phylum and sub-phylum, genus and species. Headings begat subheadings and sub-subheadings, tabulated lists and sublists of my seventh grade biology.

That was when I recognized that I suffered from LMD, “List Maker Disorder,” acquired while surviving my seventh grade biology class.

My friend has a severe case of LMD. He has a Rolodex, that ancient rotating index card holder that contains the names of people we should not forget. Unusually, my friend’s Rolodex is is not made of card stock. Instead, it is deep inside his head, tucked away in his brain’s memory. My friend performs hourlong daily prayer walks, during which he draws out from his Rolodex memory the list of those he intends to pray for. I’ve accompanied him on those walks; he never runs out of names.

Quite by accident, I recently tumbled across another kindred LMD spirit. A neighbor’s father had stopped by our house for a quick visit. Upon exiting, he spun around, and, quick as a wasp sting, he pulled a folded, creased paper from the satchel slung over his shoulder and presented it to me as a “thank you” gesture. Across the top, he had hand-scrawled “Luciano Pavarotti (1935-2007)”. Below, numbered and annotated, he had listed dozens of the titles of opera singer Pavarotti’s recordings, jamming the paper’s full width. When I spied “Nessus Dorma,” it triggered my mouth to snap open, a mouse trap triggered in reverse. With our next full breath, my visiting neighbor and I struck out boldly in unison, bellowing our own unrehearsed tenor-voiced version of the song. When we ran out of words, we continued, ad libbing our “la-la-la” arrangement. What had just happened? Two list-makers had discovered one another’s orbits.

Some lists reflect the view at 30,000 feet, ordering the world in widescreen gorgeous IMAX clarity. The valued lives of people, the things and activities of life claim their places within this world view, the kind of list with impressive perspective and purpose. Other lists are born in the sediment, the grime of the mundane, each element consisting of equal, uninspiring weight. They offer neither clarity, inspiration nor purpose. They are the most forgettable sorts of lists.

The lists we make reflect the values of those who create the list. Whether Patton’s request for battle victory, obligatory notes ordering facts and knowledge, prayer lists for beloved family and friends, or the splurge of capturing beauty for pure joy, we are all list makers. If well compiled, they can help to keep our heads on straight, our hearts aligned, and our walk upright.

Wandering

With the determination of a Muscle Beach body builder, the pale green lizard performed pushups on tiny arms, intending to draw admiration from an adoring female. Instead, with no comely female Reptilia in sight, it drew only my attention, as it pushed hard up and down against a warmed rock. The superheated West Texas summer attracted few visitors. As we hiked along a nearly indecipherable rocky path, the sun baked both the lizard and ourselves. Still, we bet against the midday scorch. The vast desert would provide the wandering adventure we sought.

Beginning our trek at midday just as the thermometer eclipsed one hundred degrees, we realized we were out of our element. Carrying no water with us, we firmly cemented our novice status. Never mind, it would be a quick hike. Upon returning to our car at its completion, freezing air conditioning would await us. So we tripped onward, energized that we were the lone brave souls wandering through this hostile world. Occasionally, a surprised rattlesnake hastily retreated across our trail. Jackrabbit scat baked along the stones marking the trail’s edge, though we noticed the trail markers growing increasingly rare and random. Once reassuring, the pathway eventually disappeared altogether. We searched for clues. Was this a stone arrangement pointing forward, or the burial marker of previous hikers, wanderings that would prove to be their final wilderness hike? Five miles into our hike, we were lost, so what to do next? Should we soldier onward hoping to discover the markers again, or would we attempt an uncertain recovery and retrace our steps? With no water, no trail, and 105 degrees of scorching heat, we were like wandering Jews—minus the water from the rock, the manna, and Moses or Joshua.

By definition, wanderings stretch boundaries and challenge limits. Good wanderings hold adventures and untold stories, yet they can be scary and hold danger. Songs are written in their honor:

“My father was a wanderer,

And it’s also in my blood,

So I happily wander as long as I can

And I wave with my hat

Valeri, valera,

Valeri, valera ha ha ha ha ha,

Valeri, valera,

And I wave with my hat.”

Frankly, it sings much better in the original German lyrics. Nonetheless, the song accurately describes my own father. When he passed away last year, aged 106, my Artist-Father proved to be a wanderer to the end. Left-brain required tasks were not his thing. Without the aid of a check-writing coach, he would stare uncomprehendingly at his checkbook. But even though aged, by changing his mental channel to his impassioned world of art, he would defy gravity, rise and hover over his wheelchair, balance against the walker that held his paint palette, and stab at his wall-hung oil paintings. Brush in hand, he would improve them yet again! Precarious, yes. Inhibited, no. Dad never learned to stay on the beaten track or, for that matter, off his little apartment’s walls.

Can we recall the last time we wandered off the beaten track? Perhaps to our loss, many of us learned early on to stay ruthlessly on track and to avoid coloring, painting, or wandering outside the lines.

I recently installed a 100-watt solar panel on the roof of our 17-foot camping trailer that inhabits the driveway. Thus equipped, she can charge her battery unaided. It was a sort of “put a ring on it” moment, lending our relationship full empowerment. Now she can hum and buzz with glorious self-generating power, our energized equal as we wander roads, whether paved or dirt. I felt I had breathed new wandering life into our little Pinocchio.

Of course, our tiny trailer offers no equivalency to the wanderings of bold explorers. Instead, she provides us with our-scale wanderings, helping us to dial in randomized mixes of people, places and events. Sometimes, we are led on a leisurely stroll through the woods beneath ancient oaks with deeply scarred bark, moss-covered stones cradling a brook’s clear and crisp waters. At other times, our trailer delivers us into a different kind of wandering—an unpredictable Vitamix concoction of unexplored places and previously unknown faces. They are random wanderings, though afterwards we wonder if they were indeed very random. Long after these events occur, the retelling begins with, “Do you remember when…” and the warm joy of familiarity tickles our brains once again. We embrace these wanderings as being somehow sacred, each retelling resurrecting a precious, sweet nectar.

Our hiking path having disappeared in the vast West Texas desert, we rambled blindly on, sunbaked and lost, our wandering adventure grown not so sweet! By now, with sun blazing and deep concern setting in (yes, we might call it “panic”), I happened to recall one steady feature during our hours-long wandering mishap: for miles behind us, a lone utility line had bisected the cloudless sky. I now recalled observing it even from the now-distant plot where we had parked our car. I surmised that we could now follow that power line, straight as a prickly pear thorn, leading us back to our trail’s beginning and the safety of our car. And so it did. Found again! Joy and relief at being alive!

There is a counterpart to wandering: restoration. Restoration, that essential element that salves and strengthens us upon a return from wandering, can be easily underestimated. Yet restoration is the most critical component for wanderers. Returning from wandering in a desert, whether actual, relational or emotional, demands commemoration. Restoration after wandering through an illness, from captivity, and return from grieving, all deserve uncommon celebration, the sort held for soldiers returning from war.

And for those friends who have helped us both to wander and to return from wandering, we also owe uncommon celebration.

Like the utility line, they help to guide us onward toward wandering, and afterward, homeward, toward restoration.

Investment Accounting

Youth imagines time to run on forever. Typical of our young station in life, there is neither enough time nor money to supply our interests. Investable resources are drawn down to support the thing at hand, with less thought of those many decades ahead.

Perhaps, for awhile, that is as it should be. Youth feeds upon the hope of opportunities at hand to grow the vision and passion of our yet-to-be discovered futures. How many times, as young people, have we re-imagined what our lives would become? Somehow, ageless bodies, good fortune and our emerging skillset would provide whatever that future held.

During my early twenties, it first occurred to me that I was falling behind. The automated success ladder I had envisioned for my life became less automatic, and I slowly veered off course, a small degree at first, which widened with my advancing age. How had I been relegated, at my first job, to cleaning toilets in a restaurant? How did I find myself, shirtless, hot, and profusely sweaty, baling hay in Mississippi? And, ignorant of the profoundly itchy characteristics of okra upon the skin, how was I now ignorantly harvesting it bare-handed and bare-chested?

I continued onward with vague goals, and without the means to achieve them. Little did I recognize that I tottered already on the precipice of an ungoverned financial future.

The earnings of $1.25 per hour at my first job were put toward my first car ownership, a 1962 MGA Mark II Roadster with rusted door panels, which I purchased for $300 when I was 17. I considered this purchase a mighty good investment both toward transportation and developing social opportunities with the fairer sex.

I failed to realize that the $300 required for the purchase of the MGA, along with all my other earnings, did not belong to me. Rather, it was all on loan to me, as were all the other accounts of my life, monetary or otherwise. Success in every enterprise, reputation, health, relationships with family and friends were all ceded to me from God. They were on loan to me. My interest should be to prosper them and generate what good I could of them, before the eventual completion of the terms of the loan.

My thinking started to change. I began asking myself — when time itself is folded up and retired, what value of our lives is there remaining?

The Gospel of Luke, chapter 19, reminds us of the investments loaned by a nobleman to three servants. Upon his return, the nobleman would ask for an accounting of the three loans. One servant took wise risks, investing his loan aggressively, which paid off. Over time, his financial investment soared, as did, we might assume, the other similarly managed affairs of his life. Due to his devotion to excellence, his professional advancements arrived with remarkable speed. Before long, he himself purchased the very company that had initially hired him. He may have become a man of great influence, whether obvious or subtle in nature. He stirred vision and passion in others by his virtuous behavior. Once, upon taking a corner too fast, an old Volkswagen overturned; he ran over to help, rolled the car over with the driver still strapped in the seat, then pulled out the crumpled fenders with his bare hands. He was a gregarious sort. When his neighbors complained about the ruckus from the parties he would throw for his friends, he remedied the issue by inviting them to his parties as well. Upon his ultimate return, the master was pleased with him, very well pleased, and the servant was appropriately rewarded.

The second servant was equally virtuous, a prudent lifelong conservative investor. His were ever an equal mix of stock and bond ETF financial investment products. They were safe, and he needn’t fret over economic downturns. His finances were established to weather adversity, as were his other affairs. A man of lesser passion than the first servant, he carefully governed his relationships. His friendships with others, cookie-cutter versions of himself, were reliable and pleasantly in tune with his own persuasions. He was a faithful and good worker, advancing up the predictable ranks to the admiring “Atta boy!”accolades of his coworkers. Upon passing by a person in need, he might consider how he might meet the need, pause for the briefest moment, then press on. “Ah! A little too late, already passed by—never mind.” To prove his compassion, he would be the first to phone in a 911 emergency—from a safe distance across the street. He noted his tarnished world and its misdirected values, and he exerted his passionless, middling efforts, budging toward doing good when convenient, and performing righteous acts without staining his trousers.

A lone koi fish circled the grimy pond within the courtyard of the third servant. Deflated by life, he awaited funds for its restoration. A browbeaten and fearful man, he expected the worst and accomplished little. He supposed his boss to be an abrupt and unpredictable taskmaster, who himself would take credit for the servant’s work. A boss, he mistakenly perceived, with unreal expectations and no room for lax performance. Office parties were a thing of horror for the servant, who with feigned devotion would heap self-ingratiating praise upon his supervisor. He danced, like a marionette, to earn his boss’s approval. In the end, the character flaws within the third servant produced no growth whatsoever, no improvement of character, performance, relationships, grace, or virtue. The servant succumbed to such self-manufactured fear that he squandered the generous nobleman’s loan, securing it safely within his mattress, its real value slowly but surely depreciating over time; he ended with less than what he had been entrusted with.

At the appointed time, the nobleman, now crowned king, would return and require an accounting of his investments long in the making. But before then, we may make two observations. The first is that a reward clearly awaited those who had invested wisely. And perhaps even more prescient—while the nobleman was yet away, there was still time enough for the servants to mend their ways.

Emerging Stones

Well past his 80th year, my father hopped along the rocks on the beach just out of reach of sloshing waves, searching for the next face peering from along the shore. Each rock he selected became his canvas. But his art would not hold the mundane image of a stylized tree or a vivid green frog painted to adorn a doorstop. Instead, he peered deeply into the contours and subtle colorations to unlock what, or who, was already there, waiting to be discovered.

“There! Can you see him? And look, over his shoulder, there’s his daughter embracing her puppy,” he would describe. And of course, we all said we did, even if we had no clue what image and story the blank rock actually contained.

To the last day I pushed my father’s wheelchair through the parking lot, he required me to stop to review the subtleties of granite stones in the outside walls of his assisted living residence to identify imaginary faces and scenes locked within the patterns of the stones, staring back at us. What were they saying to us? Can you hear them? Can you see them? Then, “Forward!” my father would have declared, his eye ever searching onward, outward, and inward to set free the next stone captive.

Just when does a rock become a stone? A rock lies unused in a quarry or unnoticed beside a road or pathway; a rock serves no particular intention or use. However, a rock becomes a stone when it is put to a purpose. The rock gives birth to a stone. We christen a stone when we ennoble it to possess a specific use. A rock, for example, converts into a stone when it becomes part of a stone wall to keep out intruders, or when a rock is re-purposed as cobblestone, transformed into a pathway for our use.

By the time of his passing at 106 years old on November 1 of 2023, my father had transformed hundreds of rocks into stones, releasing the faces of the captives held within them. The subtle detail that he added with his horsehair paintbrush—no cutting instruments allowed—defined and refined them, drawing the images out and giving them their first breath.

When he finally departed, Dad’s death removed my last bit of scaffolding to the former generation. He was the last survivor of my parents’ generation. Gone were his wife, her parents, his parents, his brother, his nephew, his in-law parents and brothers and sisters. All that was left is the next generation: my brother and myself. Like Dad’s stones, we now stood on the top shelf, placeholders for now, for our generation and the ones to come. That top tier is a windier place, unprotected now that Dad is gone. We feel less protected from the forces of nature that now seem colder and damper, with our face against the wind. It is for us, now, to repeat “Forward!”

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On a boring, routine night of tedious sheep-tending chores, a young shepherd played hacky sack with his sheep’s droppings. He checked for consistency and coloration as he bounced the dung off one foot to the other and back again. Discoloration or soft poop would indicate problems. Achingly monotonous, tending sheep provided plenty of opportunity to amuse himself and to contemplate his place in the world. His notions drifted in the air, along with the musty, fetid odors of his sheep. As the youngest and therefore the least in the family, he did not have the first pick of the chores. Hence, sheepherding was his lot. Could he, alone on this forlorn hilltop, be mindful? Would he tend this moment with no urgency, no purpose, or with both urgency and purpose? Where was his own “Forward” call within his menial service?

Caring for the sheep consumed his life. He considered his only significant moments were in transporting food supplies to the nearby battle lines. In stealth, he would deliver hardy supplies—grain, bread and cheese—to the unit on the front lines, then again return to the menial tasks, herding his bleating, smelly beasts. Today, at dawn’s break, he again loaded up the supplies, arriving to the sound of the clamor of battle. As usual, a vulgar dispute broke out among the front line ranks over today’s strategy. How to defend against the renewed threats of the enemy?

With opportunity arise both fear and courage. Fear announces an impending disastrous consequence—a wrong choice or a step too far. Courage responds—how? With the possible regret of having not tried, grappled, and succeeded.

“Forward!” came the sudden, unexpected voice of courage in the shepherd’s brain. It traveled to his hands, into his fingers, and toward his feet. Its sudden sound drove him to his knees, into the waters of a stream, where he quickly groped for the heavy, smoothed objects at the water’s edge. In a moment, he gathered the prizes from the bank and dropped them into his travel pouch. And in the same moment he lifted the pieces of granite from the stream, his brain fog cleared to reveal the purpose of the morning and of his life.

When does a rock become a stone?

A rock becomes a stone when that rock is put to a purpose. It becomes a stone the moment a young shepherd inserts the rock into his sling and lets it soar, fast and sure, splitting both the morning sky and, meeting its intended mark, a skull opened and split wide.