Ha! It’s county fair time again! Time to discover who won this year’s gooseberry jelly first prize! And we’re awestruck by the winner of the formal dining table decor competition: a country music-themed homage featuring a look-alike Brad Paisley hat for the centerpiece, Roy Rogers-inspired silver bullet salt and pepper shakers, and decorative accents honoring Dolly Parton.
We eagerly launch ourselves into the fair’s enormous display halls, searching out our favorite gadgets, hawked by gung-ho purveyors demanding to know how we survive without their trinkets, which, by the way, are seriously discounted–today only–at a Special Fair Price Reduction. How could we fail to take home the orange sponge thing that, with one magic swipe, can absorb a baby elephant’s entire trunkful of water? Or maybe we will choose to purchase one of the countless competing sets of hi-tech cookware, compellingly presented by the non-stick humor and extravagant propaganda of the frying pan merchants—these futuristic copper-cored titanium-clad industrial-strength pots and skillets will present a lifetime of culinary treasures!
Another prime reason for a trip to the fair is the excuse to dump our allegiances to healthy fruits and veggies, long-extinct in this environment. Onward, to sample the fair’s gastronomical fares! We unceremoniously discard restraint, loosen our belts by several notches to accommodate the impending added girth, and the maniacal self-indulgent search for serious fair nosh begins.
The grub is easy to come by. A mound of barbecued tri-tip is squeezed between oversized buns and lathered in sauce. The ensuing energetic consumption sends warm brown goo splashing noses, dripping down chins and sloshing in pools on shirts and shorts. The gigantic Texas Turkey Legs appear large enough to have belonged to a variety of miniature dinosaurs. Oversize hot dogs are smothered in cheese, lathered with chili and accompanied by a combo order of cheese fries and onion rings. The setting is rife for virtual—or actual—heart attacks.
How to choose what to eat? Each would be a perfect choice!
Then our eyes fall onto the Totally Fried vendor’s cart. Totally Fried! What a delight! Our salivary glands cramp at the notion of Totally Fried Chicken Sandwiches accompanied by Totally Fried Krispy Kreme doughnuts, Totally Fried Klondike ice cream bars, Totally Fried Kool-Aid, Totally Fried frog legs, Totally Fried avocados, Totally Fried caramel apples, Totally Fried FryBQ ribs, and Totally Fried Twinkies. How to choose among such treats?
Still, I was mildly troubled by the Totally Fried offerings. Where was the Totally Fried butter I had anticipating sliding down my gullet? Imagine–a butter stick, perfectly fried in, what else—butter—then rolled in cinnamon to create that perfect treat, comprised of 100% saturated fat—what a delight!
There’s time to think over our choices, as the distinct smell of an ill-maintained barnyard drifts our way, demanding our attention. And we’re off! Who could miss the Fairview Farms domestic animal display area, to view the endless milking of bovines, and the eternally cud-chomping goats with staring and unfocused geometrically-challenged pupils.
Where else is there the opportunity to see—and smell—those gargantuan hogs, rubbery snouts buried and rooting in mud, eagerly gorging themselves on anything that will fit into their gaping mouths! As an added bonus, it’s hard to believe our good fortune—last year’s blue ribbon winning hog, “Mighty Mickey,” makes a return showing, this year appearing as the pure-pork pepperoni featured atop Luigi’s Flying Pizza! We hurry over to sample him, to see if he serves up this year on the plate as proudly as he paraded last year on the hoof. Thumbs up. He tastes better than he ever smelled.
After eventually exiting the fair, our waddle to the car in bloated, cholesterol-charged, sweat-drenched bodies reminds us of one obvious fact.
We ourselves are now, unmistakably, Totally Fried. But at least we have a whole year to purge the lard from our bodies and repent from our recalcitrant ways before we try it all again.