It’s a sign of the times.
We are told that one day the lion will lie down with the lamb.
War shall be no more.
The squirrel shall feed a man.
Wait a minute! That’s nuts!
Yes, as this picture clearly documents, a literal protein feast of nuts was passed from this squirrel to this eager man. Partially chewed and ready for digestion, the squirrel donated its “nut mix” downward to the grateful man.
In these dismal economic times, the human was doubtless without a job and nearing the end of his extended unemployment benefits. The generous squirrel became his benefactor in the man’s time of need.
The word on the street, however, is that the man actually “double dipped,” manipulating the animal for a free meal while also smuggling bananas from the local zoo’s ape house–and pocketing his unemployment check for financial profit and personal gain. In addition to sharing the squirrel’s nuts, our investigation also discovered alarming behavior previous exhibited by the man in question:
- He twice violated a free-range alpaca’s fur-trading rights by taking a Norelco razor to her underbelly, shearing off her most prized belly fur, creating collector-quality toupees, and selling them on the black market.
- He systematically used an opossum for a coin bank, depositing small change in her pouch while snitching coins from malfunctioning parking meters.
- He taught parrots questionable words from “The Big Book of Slang” dictionary and then released the birds into a flock of homing pigeons aimed for the poolside lounge area of Arnold “The Governator” Schwarzenegger’s California residence.
Since this troubling story emerged, the federal government has issued a full-scale alert to monitor the behavior of the 13.9 million unemployed Americans, searching for stockpiled partially-digested nuts, ziplock bags containing home-spun alpaca wool wiggery, drawers filled with suspicious opossum-skinned coin purses, and mini-flocks of parrots spouting ignoble epithets from their brightly-hued, yet baleful beaks.